Saturday, 11 July 2009

The final chapter - back where he belongs...

Well, Monkeh has had one heck of a week.

He's swam with sharks in Anglesey, been on Mr Punch's stage in Llandudno, hitched a lift to Harlech, caught a bus to Barmouth, been involved in petty theft from his Mum and Dad, been caught in a four-in-a-bed romp with The Williams sisters and a sheep and finally, put behind bars in Conway by the infamous policeman, Sweeper of the Yard.

Once his bail had been paid and the charges against his were dropped, we went to pick the little fella up from the Police Station.

He was obviously very pleased to see us and looking none the worse from his ordeal.

We gathered his belongings and packed the car and headed for home.

It's been a very strange week but Monkeh will not forget the new friends he met and the old dodgy acquaintances he encountered. Who can forget Sharon and Tracy to two ginger tom cats in Harlech or Brian the Pug who helped him with the picture scam?

There was the mean Yorkshire man who ran the B & B, the strange Geordie voice-over guy and the Dutch hotel owner whose wife had a penchant for filming their guests while in the privacy of their own room.

Then there was George Seagull who conned him out of £400 to appear in a film that didn't exist, his old flame Annette her thin sisters and of course, Blodwyn and Bethan Williams and the Sheep.

Going back to Coventry will seem so normal but will Monkeh put his naughty ways behind him and behave himself on the way home? Will he realise that he has been a bad boy and be able to accept the consequences?

I'm not really surprised that he ended the film blog by showing us his bum, but that's Monkeh all over. He's home now and has gone out to meet his other Monkey pals to tell them about his big Welsh adventure.

Normal blogging service will return as soon as possible.

Or will it?

To look at Monkeh's holiday photos check out the following link:


Friday, 10 July 2009

Softly softly catchie monkeh....

We last saw Monkeh in his hotel room in the Dutch Quarter of Barmouth with his friends, The Williams sisters and a sheep.

After a riotous time in the hotel room, their antics came to a sudden halt when Inspector Sweeper of the Yard, Britain's most monotonous Policeman, burst in and arrested them.

They were all carted off to Conway Police Station - Monkeh was put behind bars (see picture) obviously this was nothing new to him but it was a new and unnerving time for The Williams sisters - both of them had been behind bars before, but at their local "The Welsh Tiger" where they took it in shifts to serve pints to the locals.

The sheep had never experienced this kind of detention and was obviously worried that he was going to be sent to the place where his Mum and Dad were sent - and never came back.

We catch up with our hero, Monkeh, being interrogated by the aforementioned Sweeper of the Yard in one of the station's interrogation rooms.

Please take heed of this warning - if you are at all affected by any of the over acting you are about to witness, a helpline number will appear at the end of the film. Headphones again, are required.

The film producers would like to apologise for the scene where Monkeh was offered and accepted a cigarette. Please children, do not try to attempt to copy anything that Monkeh might do in the film as smoking can damage your health.

Tomorrow, Monkeh and his Guardians say goodbye to Wales and reflect on the week they have had.

Monkeh hoodwinked by chum and much more....

We last saw Monkeh being given his orders on house rules for the shady B& B he was staying at in Barmouth.

"No way do I want you to be entertaining those Williams sisters in your room" said the brusque Yorkshire landlord to our little knitted chum.

However, Monkeh needed to see them because they had promised to assist him with his Welsh accent for the audition his mate George Seagull had told him about. Monkeh managed to sneak the sisters up to his room and they went about transforming him from a normal, healthy knitted monkey to a convincing young Welsh woman complete in a traditional Welsh costume (see picture).

He was bound to get the part and pass himself off as a Welsh woman, wasn't he?

Monkeh and the Williams sisters all went to the location where the film was being shot. Monkeh thought it was strange that his friend George Seagull wasn't there to meet them and what was even more strange was the fact that when they arrived at the location (which was on the other side of town to where his B & B was) there were no film crews, no make-up or costume tents.

Strangely enough, there were no other extras there, no film stars, no crew canteen and no sign of filming.

Monkeh was fuming - he'd been lied to and his so-called friend, George Seagull (who he had given £400 to in order to get a part in the film) was nowhere to be seen.

"Never mind, Monkeh" said Bethan Williams,"there will be other films but the next time a seagull comes up to you in the street and asks you for 400 quid to appear in a film where you'd have to learn Welsh and dress up as a woman, I hope you'll be a little bit more suspicious!"

"Yes, be very cautious" said Blodwyn Williams. "If we had known that it was George Seagull who had told you about the filming, we would have told you not to go as he's pulled this scam before.

"You got off lightly. He conned Babe the Pig once out of £1,000 by telling him that he was a cert for a Danish Bacon commercial and when he turned up for the film shoot, he'd actually been sold to the local butcher and now he's in the deep freeze - so you were lucky."

"I don't feel very lucky," said Monkeh. "I feel foolish. But at least I've still got my B & B for the next few days, so why don't we all go back to my room again and work our way through the mini bar?!

"Ooooh yes," giggled Bethan and Blodwyn. However, when they got back to the B & B, Monkeh found his belongings on the doorstep and a note left on his case read: "You broke the rules, you're out on your Monkey ear!"

"What on earth am I going to do now?" said Monkeh.

Blodwyn said: "I know of another B & B where they are more liberal about what you do and with whom, why don't we go there? There are other ways to break into film you know, so don't be downhearted."

"Oooh yes" said Bethan. "Let's go to that other B & B in the Dutch Quarter".

"Well, I've got no other choice," said Monkeh and off they went to the infamous Dutch Quarter of Barmouth.

Again, ear phones are advisable in order to hear the film in decent quality.

Oh no! What on earth is Monkeh going to do now? He's got no money, he's a long way from home and he's about to find himself in the slammer with a couple of Welsh sisters and a sheep. How is he going to get out of this latest predicament?

Tune in tomorrow to find out the latest in the escapades of Monkeh in Wales.

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

A bus ride to Barmouth for Monkeh

You last joined us when Monkeh had nicked the contents of my purse and hopped on a bus to Barmouth.

He just couldn't wait to get there as he not only had family there, but an old flame who he actually met up with, her name was Annette (Monkeh pictured talking to her and her sisters).

He was so excited as he hadn't seen Annette for such a long time and boy had she grown but was still as thin as ever. Monkeh told her that he was on the run and she advised him to lie low for a bit and she gave him the name and address of a local B & B which was run by a rather arrogant Yorkshire Man, who himself had dabbled in some dodgy dealings.

The only problem was that the B & B wouldn't let you book in until after 3pm, so Monkeh had a couple of hours to kill and in that time, how much trouble can one Monkeh cause?

Monkeh met up with another old friend of his, George Seagull. He was telling Monkeh how he has just made a film and that they are looking for extras for his next one if he was interested.

"There's only one drawback" said George to Monkeh "you have to be Welsh and a woman" but he insisted that it was very easy to achieve.

Monkeh got really excited. The prospect of being in a film was just a wonderful feeling. He'd always wanted to expand his portfolio, afterall, there's only so much you can do about tea for 30 seconds a time.

Filming was due to start in the morning and last for several days. The costume fitting would be the first thing that the extras would have to go for and Monkeh thought that he could pass himself off as a woman, afterall, he'd passed himself off as the Queen once for an alternative Christmas Day broadcast and no-one seemed to notice.

Monkeh decided that once he'd booked into his B & B (using the credit card that he nicked from my bag!) he could have a good night's kip and put lots of moisturiser on his face and shave so that you couldn't see his Monkeh stubble and start practising his Welsh.

Luckily, he had a couple of friends living locally who were notorious and would do anything for a night in a decent B & B. Bethan and Blodwyn, or The Williams Sisters, as they are known locally, had made friends with Monkeh years ago when he used to work on the fun fair with his Uncle.

He rang the sisters and told them that he was in town and wondered if they would come to his B & B later to give him a few pointers on how to pass himself off as a Welsh woman.

It was coming up to checking in time and so Monkeh made his way to his B & B which was in a seedy part of Barmouth down a little narrow lane. He found the place and it was dark, miserable and very much out of the way - perfect for lying low.

He made his way to the reception and spoke to the woman to book a room. Sadly, he couldn't use the credit card as the name didn't match, but he did have the cash and she accepted that, with no questions asked and then sent him upstairs.........but what awaited him?

With so many restrictions - will Monkeh manage to sneak his friends up to his room?

Find out tomorrow in the next thrilling installment of Monkeh's trip to Wales.

Monkeh hitches to Harlech

Yesterday, I told you how Monkeh had jumped in a strange man's car and hitched a lift.

Someone who was standing next to Monkeh overheard him telling the guy that he wanted to go to Harlech Castle and this man said he was going there and told Monkeh to hop in.

You may need to pop your headphones into the PC as this is what happened:

Poor Monkeh and what a mean man to send him on a wild goose chase.

Luckily, our knitted chum soon found his way back into the town and we all met up again and had a good trot around to see what the small village of Harlech had to offer.

To sum it up, it was like a one horse town but without the horse! Seriously, it was very quaint. Monkeh visited all the shops buying presents for his friends (these were mainly fruit-based presents and banana in shape) but he did buy me a nice pendant to say thank you for letting him come on holiday with us.

Monkeh also spotted and befriended a ginger tom cat who was sitting on a bench outside the church. The two of them got chatting and Monkeh discovered that although this cat was a boy, his cruel owners had given him the name of "Sharon" and his twin brother was called "Tracy" - a strange sense of humour in Harlech, obviously.

I was a tad concerned because since Monkeh had run off on two occasions and both times we'd caught up with him, he was now being very good and attentive, even offering to carry my handbag.

He couldn't do enough for us which made me even more suspicious. It wasn't until I asked him for my bag and went to get my purse to get out some money for a newspaper that I realised the little so and so had once again, robbed me of my notes and loose change and was heading off down the road.

I thought he was being very generous on the banana for presents front and now I know why - he was being generous with MY money.

He was last seen running up the road where he met up with a sandy-coloured Pug bitch called "Brian" and the two of them were planning on fleecing the tourists by asking them if they wanted to pose with Monkeh to have their picture taken.

Brian the Pug would take the money, take the picture and take the person's address to send the picture on to - Brian was all take, take take!! However, what the unsuspecting tourists were not told, was that there was no film in the camera.

Between them in just an hour, they had made £70!! Because it was Brian's camera, he gave Monkeh £30 and Brian kept the rest.

Monkeh waved goodbye to Brian and realised that he hadn't sent his Uncle Dave a postcard, so he soon put that right and once he'd written it and posted it, he was seen heading towards the bus stop to go to the seaside town of Barmouth where he knew they had a fun fair.

His Great Uncle Barney was a barker at a fair and so Monkeh knew he would soon feel at home if he should take a trip there. He took £2 out of his "takings" and boarded the National Express to Barmouth.

This time, we knew where he was going as we saw the name of the seaside town on the front of the bus, so once again, we followed him to make sure he didn't get up to any trouble on the bus.

Apart from leading the singing to "4 and 20 Monkehs came down from Inverness" - he appeared to behave himself and even used the on-board loo instead of pee-ing out of the window like he normally does.

So, what does Monkeh get up to in Barmouth?

You know the score by now but what I can tell you that once he gets to Barmouth, he meets his match at a local B & B!

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Monkeh goes to sea

This is the continuation of Monkeh's recent trip to Wales and the chaos he caused.

We last saw Monkeh hopping on the number 37 bus from Llandudno to Anglesey - as we were no where near our car at the time, we had to dash back to the car park and try our hardest to catch the bus up so we could get to Anglesey at the same time before he caused even more trouble.

Luckily for me, I went through this trouser pockets the other night to liberate some spare change that he didn't give me back after buying 3 fish suppers. I saw a leaflet for the Anglesey Sea Zoo - so it didn't take a genius to work out where our little friend had taken himself off to.

Fortunately, hubby bought his sat nav so we were able to determine which route would get us to the Sea Zoo to beat Monkeh's bus. We didn't think it would be hard to track him down once we got there.

Thankfully, by the time we arrived, he had just jumped off the bus (he managed to con a dear old lady to pay his fare for him by promising her free cups to tea for the rest of her life) - you won't see that money again, love. Sorry.

Monkeh stood outside the Sea Zoo (see photo) and once he clocked us he ran up to us, knicked my phone from out of my hand and ran inside, dodging the turnstile by jumping over it.

By the time we'd joined the queue and paid to get in (there was a big party of school children in front of us) we then had the task of trying to find him inside the building. Knowing him as I do, I just looked for the clues to catch up with him and there they were: a trail of banana skins and monkey nut shells. We followed him but stayed just enough further behind him so he didn't know we were there.

He had a great time. He saw fish, crabs, sharks, sea horses (although he did try to mount one of them) star fish, sea anemones and lobsters. All of a sudden, he got extremely excited. We heard this almighty shriek - he had entered the tunnel of fish and in there were the biggest fish you ever saw. Monkeh got really animated, jumping up and down and then it all went quiet.

We went to the tunnel but couldn't find him anywhere but he did leave behind my phone and this is what we found on it.

Well, I'd heard of walking with dinosaurs, trust Monkeh to go one better! Again, we'd lost track of him but outside there was a lot of cheering and applauding.

Monkeh had paid for all the kids on the coach trip to get into the adventure playground and that meant that they could go on the rides and on the climbing frames. Monkeh shouted to the excited kids "The Monkeh bars are on me!" and as quick as a flash, he was gone.

He'd got into some strange man's car - where was he off to? You'll have to find out tomorrow.

Where ever he goes, he causes trouble.

Monday, 6 July 2009

Monkeh runs amok in Llandudno!

Can I say at the beginning, that it wasn't my intention to upset little children or in fact deceive them in any way, but when you are in the company of a knitted monkey who likes to be the centre of attention, then people who are in his way tend to get hurt.

Yesterday, I left you hanging around for the latest installment of Monkeh's recent trip with me and the other half to Wales.

While I was talking to Bonnie the dog and her owner, Monkeh scampered off to seek out an adventure of his own and after a few desperate minutes of searching for him on Llandudno pier, I spotted the little beggar trying to scale up the side of "Professor Codlyn's Punch and Judy Show" booth on the promenade.
This particular show has been going for a long time, ever since Moses was a lad in fact, so it was no surprise that Monkeh wanted to get in on the act.

Although the next showing wasn't until 2pm, there were dozens of small children sitting down and waiting in anticipation for the Punch and Judy show to start. Why on earth they like to watch a story about a battered housewife, an abused baby, a dog that runs off with sausages and police brutality is beyond me, but we've all watched the show one time or another and P and J (as I call them) are a seaside tradition.

Monkeh obviously wanted to be part if it all but his little legs couldn't quite make it up so I gave him a helping hand, much to the amusement of some of the waiting children.
I put Monkeh on the "stage" so he could have his photo taken.

"What are you doing with that monkey, missus?" was the question from a little ginger-haired girl whose dress was covered in chocolate and her hair stuck together with bits of her little brother's candy floss.

"Well" I said. "My friend Monkeh wanted to come and audition for the Professor as he would like a starring role in his next show. Do you think he'd be good?"

"Yesssssss" was the general response by the now several children who had taken interest in my monkey capers.

"What's his name?" asked her little brother. "Why, it's Monkeh, you must have seen him on the telly in the tea bag ads," I said.

"Do you mean he's the famous one?" was his reply. "Yes and I think if he doesn't get down from the stage, he might be the famous one who is also in big trouble. " I said.

By this time, far too many children were getting far too interested in what I was saying about Monkeh and wanted to meet him and know more about his "role" that he was auditioning for. I made some remark about him being late for his lunch and that the Professor had seen his audition tape and would let him know if he was going to get a part, but as we were in the area anyway, he wanted to see the stage he'd be working on for himself!

"Oh I hope Monkeh gets the part," piped up the original little girl. "He makes me laugh and he could take the part of the baby."

Now I'm not one for doing actors (puppets or real ones) out of a job and so I didn't want to encourage false hope. However, I did say as my parting shot that anything was possible and that if Monkeh were to get a part in the show, it would be as himself and not masquerading as a baby.

I took him off the stage and let the little girl give him a cuddle and shake his paw before I headed off feeling totally shameful that the thing I wanted in the first place - (which was to get Monkeh's picture in an interesting location to send to his "Uncle Dave") - should now mean that dozens of kids are going to be shouting out at the next Professor Codlyn show - "We want Monkeh".
The poor man will not know what has got into them and wonder why on earth they are shouting for a character that is not in his show.

Professor, if you ever get to read this, I'm truly sorry!

As for Monkeh, as soon as I'd taken him from the chocolate-covered hands of the little girl with the ginger hair, he was off again - this time seen boarding a bus heading towards the Anglesey Sea Zoo.
To find out what he did there, you will have to log in again tomorrow - holidays are certainly not dull when Monkeh's around!!

Sunday, 5 July 2009

And Monkeh came too!

I bet you have been wondering where I have been? Well, I've had a few days away in lovely North Wales and decided that rather than do a conventional photograph album of pictures of me or the hubby, I'd take Monkeh along so he could experience Wales himself. Boy did he have a good time!

Here is the little rascal standing in front of Conway Castle. Built in the 13th Century, it is an amazing building and Monkeh really loved it. He especially liked standing right on the top of the tower and throwing his discarded banana skins at passing tourists!

I took him to the harbour where we sat and ate fish and chips between the three of us and in the background, we could hear the strains of singing at a nearby pub. We found out that there was a Blue Grass Festival going on and that is why there were so many people walking around with guitars strapped to their backs.

Not so long after we had finished our food, that Monkeh scampered across the road to the pub and insisted on taking the microphone. Then he took the stool and then he robbed the bar of its takings - only kidding, he insisted on singing one of his own songs that he wrote when he was a wee small chimp. The song is called: "I may be made out of wool, but don't make a Monkey of me!!" - er, too late, mate, someone already did.

He has been a little sod for running off most of the time we were there. I nipped to go to the loo at an amusement arcade and when I came out, Monkeh was on the roulette wheel placing all of his money on black 17 (seventeen is his lucky number as he was the 17th baby born to his Mum). Of course, it wasn't to be as he lost all of his money and very nearly lost the shirt off his back - if it wasn't for some skilled negotiation on my part, he'd have been walking around with no clothes on.

While in Llandudno, we came across a man sitting on a wall near to the pier. He had a lovely little West Highland White dog with him called Bonnie. She was so pretty and I just couldn't resist giving her a stroke. Then her owner started to tell me all about her recent operation.

She collapsed a few weeks ago and the Vet said that her heart had packed in so they rushed her into doggie hospital and she had a pace-maker fitted! Yes, a tiny little pacemaker. Now, I am not one to boast, or I could have done by telling this man that a relative (distant and in the US) of mine, actually invented the pacemaker - but it was Bonnie's story, not mine, and I didn't want to take the glory away from her.

However, when her owner told me how much it cost to have her made well again, I nearly fell off my platform shoes. Her vet bill came to Five Thousand Pounds!! Luckily, he was insured but had to pay £250 out of his own pocket because the fees had taken her over the limit. She has now got at least 10 good years left before the battery runs out and she didn't half look happy on it.

I really like stories like that. Of course, that did not impress Monkeh. While I was talking to Bonnie and her owner, he was off in search of a new adventure and .......

Well, I will save it until tomorrow to let you know what he got up to!